Once upon a time- I fell on my face. A couple times actually. To put it quite bluntly, the past 4 years or so have been an absolute roller coaster. For those of you who dont know, I was in a bad place back in July. I was dealing with some hard things, and trying my best to over come everything. After some difficult times of darkness and anger, I had some amazing things happen to me. Luckily for me, the atonement is real, and my savior has carried me through so many trials. In August, I met the most amazing guy I have ever met in my entire life. Nate Chavez. He treats me, and everyone with a level of respect I didnt think existed. He makes me stronger. He makes me better. This guy has never ceased to amazing me. He has never faltered in any way shape or form in being less than perfect for me. He is handsome, giving, kind, christlike, talented, intelligent, fun, sensitive, and his relationship with our savior makes me stand in awe. I love this man. In August, when I was going through some really difficult trials, my friend Scott was trying to help me over come some stuff. He invited me to come hang out with a group of Mormon friends at a friends house. I wasn't active in the church, and I had not been in about 3 years at this point. So, to say the least, the idea made me feel awkward. But, I went anyway. When I walked in, I saw this goodlooking man sitting at the piano. He was playing Billy Joel and the Beatles. We kept looking at each other and I decided to go sit next to him. We ended up singing together for 2 hours. The first hours were filled with Billy Joel, Dan Fogelberg, and the beatles songs. After a while, we ran out of stuff to sing. Then, he pulled out the Hymn book. I awkwardly froze up and thought "oh boy, here we go". But, I sang anyway. Because...well... he was a cute boy. Well, after about an hour of singing those Hymns...something...lit up inside of me...something I hadnt felt in years...That darkness I had been feeling was temporarily gone... I was so confused because...I knew the church wasnt true at that time. I was somewhat startled, told him I had to go home and I got into my car and started crying. I still didnt believe...but I wanted to understand why I felt that way...So, the next day, I called my sister Natalie. She had been trying to convince me to come back to the church for some time (along with my sister Heidi) and been trying to help me through what I was dealing with. I told her what I had experienced. She said " well Tori, you know that was the spirit. You have to at least give it a chance". So, I went to the store and bought a skirt ( because I didnt own one ) and went to church the next day. At first, I thought "alright, this is stupid". But then...throughout each meeting...I kept feeling that light inside of me again, and again, and again. I decided to meet with the Bishop of this singles ward. I sat down and told him my situation. That I didnt believe, but that I was curious and I wanted to try to understand what I was feeling. After about two weeks, I started going to more activities with friends. One night, Nate held my hand and started cuddling me. I felt just awful. I couldnt mislead this guy into thinking I was somehow worthy of him. He sat in the car with me, getting ready to drive me home. I bore my soul and told him absolutely everything. I also told him that...I didnt feel like any good worthy man would want me now... Nate turned to me, took my hands, and said " any man who believes in the atonement like I do would want you". Then, he kissed me. That was our first kiss. I still didnt fully believe in the church, but I liked what I was feeling by going and doing all of the right things. I was reading my scriptures, saying prayers, and earnestly trying to seek answers. After weeks of trying to figure things out...I opened up the dictionary in the back of the book of mormon. I looked up the first word that came to mind "repentence". I found the story of Alma the younger, a story I had always heard about briefly, but never really knew the details. I opened up this story and the spirit touched me so greatly I cannot begin to describe...The story of a man who was a total apostate, a man whose family and parents were praying for him. A man who...by some luck...was struck by the spirit and was able to find the truth...A man...who was...just like me... I sat there dumbfounded. Could the atonement be real? Could it really work for someone like me? I knelt down and started praying. The thought came to my mind to pray for the weight of my sins. So, I did...And as I did...I felt this huge burden... an immense darkness that most people dont should never have to experience...I bawled with my head in my hands, absolutely shaking for about fifteen minutes. Then, I begged for this burden to please be removed...and almost immediately...it was gone...In that brief moment...I knew something...I knew a small segment of what my Savior went through for me...I knew the church was true. There was absolutely no denying it anymore. I cannot believe what my brother, savior, and redeemer did for me...but he loved me enough to go through that pain. Now, I am at a point in my life, months and months and months later...Life is amazing. I am engaged to that wonderful man who helped me find the spirit again...I am getting married in the temple. I know my father in heaven, I know my savior, and I now have relationship with them that I have never had before... I just felt the need to write down this story. As personal as it may be, as odd as it might seem, I hope it can find someone and help them in their trial. If you are suffering...Just know that heavenly father loves you, our savior died for you, and there is always a way back. There will always be those people who will doubt you. People who will hold on to your past. People who only think the atonement is for those people who have sinned in small amount...They are wrong. The atonement is there for all of us...There is no "point of no return" and I promise you...that If you seek diligently in the scriptures. If you pray for answers...Our father will take care of you...Now, I wanted to post some stuff that makes me happy.
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For those of you who dont know me, my name is Tori Coles. And I am a sinner. I sin on a nearly daily basis. But, those sins are smaller now. Things like...getting mad at traffic, laziness, or gossiping. We are human, we are made to sin. I am not saying we should excuse sin, or saying it is okay...But I am saying...if you have ever made a mistake and feel like there is no way back...There is...He loves you...he loves me...and he died...so that we might live...I hope that in some way this story might help a soul that is searching... Family, friends, and strangers who read this from hundreds of miles away...I love you. And so does he. God be with you til we meet again.
