I am so angry right now...People might call me dramatic or too open to be writing something like this. But I need to...On May 11th Nate and I found out we were pregnant. We were sooo happy and excited and wanted this so much...Well, time passed and the Doctor wanted to confirm my pregnancy with a HCG blood test. My numbers were significantly low but okay. That just meant I was early. The numbers doubled from day to day but then something happened and I knew something was wrong. I kept getting weird feelings in my gut and asked for another blood test. The HCG levels went up, but definitely were not doubling. They only went from 375 to 1001 in 7 days...That CAN be fine, but not typically the best sign. So, a week or so afterwards, they had me come in and do an ultrasound. There he was. He even had a heart beat...We were so happy and excited to have a little heart beat. But, the Doctor seemed concerned. He said even though there was a heart beat, it wasnt very strong. So, they wanted me to come in again today a week later...Nate and I sat in the ultrasound lab with the technician and a student technician. After waiting 40 or so minutes for the student technician to figure out where everything was and how to work the machine, they measured my ovaries...how comforting... I kept saying "do you see my baby, do you see my baby, do you see the heart beat"? without a response. Finally, the more experienced technician says "well, we dont see a heart beat, so lets try a vaginal ultrasound". I get ready for the more accurate ultrasound, the technician comes back in. We look around and she tries to find the fetus for a good 30 minutes and she officially confirms that she sees no heart beat. Without remorse, without acting like it was a big deal she prints off a picture and tells us she will give us a moment alone..The baby died...We are very, very sad...and we dont know what to do...I know I didnt tell a lot of you...But I have to feel okay about talking about it...I just had to get that out..I guess, Im just hoping if Im open about it, it wont be as hard and Ill be able to get over it faster...After this crappy experience, Nate and I went to DI and took a page from a friend of ours(Lita) and bought a television and a nine iron. We went up to the hill and I know it sounds crazy....but I really feel that actually helped...People can criticize me for being open with this all they want..But maybe...just maybe...this can help someone else who has been through this and felt they had to be silent...Maybe, even though we are going through grief...we can help someone else...
