What NOT to say to women who are trying to concieve...

Things you should never say to people who have miscarried or are trying to concieve. Things...MANY people have REPEATEDLY told me and Im sick of hearing...

1.Oh I'm sorry. My cousins, sisters, best friends aunt had a miscarriage too! They just had lots of fun and relaxed and now they have 5 kids!

Okay, I'm glad that you know someone along the line who may have had some kind of similar experience that I had. I don't expect you to understand what I'm going through, and I really don't appreciate you telling me "it'll just happen when you relax". Or, that I may have CAUSED my miscarriage from being stressed out. These kind of implications make me feel terrible, guilty, and stress me out MORE.

2. If I was in your situation, I would just adopt.

Are you kidding me? No. No you're not. Okay, yes, adoption is an option. A good one, maybe/ eventually. But, Ive been pregnant before. Not only is it a very unrealistic option right now (for finance reasons) its also an unnecessary option right now. I was just pregnant a month ago. I can get pregnant. Just because I'm having trouble, doesn't mean I'm not going to HAVE children.

3. Oh, heavenly father...why doesn't he understand that we are in charge?

Stop. I understand you are trying to come up with a reason for why YOU think I miscarried and why its taking forever to get pregnant. But you know what? You don't know. Yes, I believe it will happen according to Gods plan. But you know what? Its not fair for you to tell me that kind of thing. Its just painful. So...God did this? Really? Knock that crap off.

4. Oh, I realize you've been having a hard time with fertility. I wont bring Georgy around. I realize it probably hurts your feelings to have her around.

You know what? Having your ugly 3 year old child around doesn't bother me at all. I don't want YOUR baby. I want mine. What bothers me is your condescending comments about how you are somehow better than me because it took you 2 months to get pregnant and how easy it is for you.

5. Oh you just had a miscarriage two days ago and need to talk about it? How hard. My husband and I are thinking about trying again!

This is SERIOUSLY not the time to bring that up.

6. I just don't understand. Why are you making this such a big deal? Its not like its a real baby or anything.

You know what? I don't care what ANYONE says. Losing my baby after being pregnant for 10 weeks is one of the hardest things Ive ever had to go through. Yes, its been 5 weeks since the miscarriage. Yes, I never got to hold my child in my arms. But you know what? That baby was real to me...That baby had a heartbeat. It was alive. It was growing. We have pictures of it. I honestly believe that baby had a soul. I'm not so sure why this so hard for me to get over. But for me, this is the hardest thing Ive ever had to go through. It was a real baby to me. And whether you understand or not, it IS a big deal. And I am ALLOWED to grieve how I need to. And I am entitled to grieve for as long as I need to.

7. You should just get pregnant again. That's the best way to get over it.

Maybe this is the best way for SOME people to get over it. But not for all. I honestly am so heart broken and shaken up, I don't feel ready to try again. I'm scared to try again. I'm scared to lose another baby. Ive done this 2 times now...I don't feel ready, don't push me.

8. You should just do IVF or a surrogate.

I was pregnant without all of those things. Clearly, I can become pregnant if I have been before. Again, don't push me.

9. You need to stop being selfish. Come to the baby shower/the hospital to hold our newborn.

You know what? I just cant. I don't want to embarrass myself, the mother, or other people there by bursting into tears and losing it with my emotions. I am entitled to this little amount of selfishness for a little while. It doesn't make me a drama queen. It doesn't make me strange. It makes me human. Give me that much.

10. You just need to adopt and your body will relax and then you will have a normal pregnancy.

Adoption costs upwards of 15,000$ sometimes. We don't have that kind of money lying around and wont for at least another couple of years. It might be an option some day. But its not an option right now.

11. Why not just settle for loving your nieces and nephews right now?

Because I want my own children. Its not the same and it never will be.

12. Don't worry, you're young. You have plenty of time.

Yeah, imagine how much harder it would be if I were older.

13. Maybe its because you need to have more faith.

The second I got pregnant, I got down on my knees and prayed like crazy that I would be able to carry this baby full term. I prayed every night that everything would be okay. I went to the temple weekly and prayed. I had numerous priesthood blessings. I had faith that god would take care of me. I still have faith that god will take care of me. But you know what? The reason I am not pregnant now, has NOTHING to do with my lack of faith.

14. At least you get to have lots of unprotected sex.

Thank you...Poor you who has to use birth control and got pregnant after one month of being off of it...darn...

Things you CAN say that WILL help...

1.“I’m here for you if you need to talk or ever need anything.”

2.“It’s going to happen, don’t give up hope.”

3.“You’re doing a great job handling everything.”

4.“Just remember: It’s all worth it in the end.”

5.“I’m thinking about you…”

I appreciate that many of my friends and loved ones have been trying to be kind and loving through this time. I realize that many of you do not understand. I understand many people probably think I'm making too big of a deal out of this. But you know what? I am allowed to grieve. I'm allowed to vent about how I feel without reprimand and criticism. Many of you have good intentions but do not understand how deeply you cut when you say things like this. I wanted to be clear about this. I love you all. I appreciate the friends who have been there. I just wanted people to understand that you need to be more careful on what you say during this time. You have no idea how hard it is unless you've gone through it. And I pray you never have to.